The Melting Pot
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African American Spiritual Health and Healing
- Author unknown
African-American people are natural caretakers. We do a great job of assisting and loving those around us. However, many of us fall short when it comes to taking good care of ourselves. We expend our energies giving to our kids, our jobs, our partners and others. Then, at the end of the day, we have nothing left for us. If this goes on for too long, we can begin to experience our lives as less than fulfilling.
Recently, more and more of us are becoming dedicated to the idea of putting ourselves first through radical self-care and self-love. If this sounds selfish, it’s only because we’ve been conditioned to value the needs of others over our own. But, consider for a moment that being run-down, exhausted and stressed-out lessens our ability to take care of other people. So taking good care of our selves is actually very unselfish.
Following are some great ways to care for your spirit:
Meditation is an important form of self-knowing and self-loving. It allows us to make contact with the spirit within by listening to our own truth.
Hiking and spending time in nature is another powerful way to connect to your spirit. Breathing fresh air while taking in the beauty of our natural world does a great deal to heal the soul. The physical exercise is an additional bonus.
Reading great books or listening to audio on the issues of spirituality and personal growth is yet another way to get stronger and move more consistently toward the life your desire.
African-Americans can take advantage of other health and healing techniques such as, Yoga, Acupuncture, Spiritual Bodywork, Journal Keeping and more…
Join-in on this journey toward more peace and true happiness. As you move forward on this path, you will notice that you have more patience for others, and that the constant chatter in your head has quieted down. You will begin putting yourself first in an unapologetic way, with the understanding that the healthier you are, the more positively you affect the people around you.
Post Great Online Profile Photos
Make Your Pictures Stand Out
When you're out in the real world, the first thing you probably notice about someone is what he or she looks like. The same is true with online dating.
When first seeing your profile, a potential match hasn't met you yet and can only assume what you're like. The better able you are to convey a "story" of yourself, the better someone will be able to picture themselves with you, and all the fun you'll have on a date together. Here are some points to keep in mind when posting profile photos:
Post As Many Photos As Your Site Will Allow: Dating sites typically allow three-to-five photos on your profile, so you should have plenty of space to convey the right image to your potential matches. Remember that every space of your online profile is valuable, so use as much of it as you can to show what you're really like.
Use Current Photos: In general, make sure any photo you take is recent. We all get attached to certain pictures, but after a few years they aren't going to reflect who you are right now.
Aim For a Relaxed Look: The main headshot should give an accurate representation of you without being too serious or stuffy. Your look should be relaxed as if you are sitting with an old friend.
Wear Something Comfortable But Tasteful: Dress as if you're going out on a date, but keep it on the casual side. Nothing to revealing or sloppy. Aim for "business casual" attire. A shirt or sweater that compliments your skin coloring and highlights your eyes will help give a positive impression of you. Try different outfits to see which ones flatter you the most.
Pay Attention to the Background: Make sure the background of your main photo doesn't compete with your face. Avoid standing in front of a dark background if your hair is dark or if you have a dark shirt on, as these will all blend together and you'll look like a floating head in the photo.
Use Lighting Wisely: Make sure your face can be seen clearly and that there are no shadows blocking you. Too often singles will place a photo taken outside, and the sun either covers part of their face or creates a shadow. Your smile and facial features need to be seen clearly in order for a potential date to take notice.
Use Photos That Relate to the Rest of Your Profile: The online dating world has a lot to do with impressions, so make sure you are giving a consistent message by using photos that show you from today – not a combination of photos from a few years back and some from the present day. Make sure that the pictures you use relate to the rest of your profile, and help illustrate the story you are telling about yourself.
Q & A : read at your own risk, but first open your mind before opening you mouth
by MARCUS WORTMAN
Q. Leaving out the moral implications, what are "black gay men" are teaching the present and future generations about BGM relationships with each other if the only thing BGM groups display are naked, ass out, pretty thug "brothas" busting asses and pretty black men with ripped bodies will be considered worth the attention and admiration of the groups members and moderators?
A. Stunted, immoral, self centered, sexual immature, spiritually deprived, soulless, worthless scrubs. When are these self proposed black unified gay groups going to start showing the present and future generations of "BGMs" that healthy relationships do exist and that you don't have to be a slut, pretty boy willing to give up his body in order to find someone who will love them for them and not what's under their clothes. So far non of you black for black only groups have begun to teach and be role models for the youths who's lives are already paralized with racism, family abandonment, inadequate education, destroyed hopes and dreams, judged unfit to inter the kingdom of GOD by the churches and belittled by white and black society. Who are they supposed to turn to for guidance and leadership. Who will help heal their already fragment minds and spirits. Who will show them the real meaning of love of a real brotha that doesn't involve stripping down and bending over.
Q. What does being born gay, black or poor have to do with the character of a man?
A. When the person is looking for excuses. It's easier to look at what's not the true cause of ones plight in a white ruled society than to face and deal with the truth that this society wasn't and isn't going to give blacks and equal opportunity to achieve their dreams, hopes or goals. Or the fact that since slavery the lack of parental involvement true support and belief their child will amount to much. All, most every black parents only concern are that their child get that diploma which means nothing is the educational system doesn't provide the child with the skills to compete with their white counter part and the rest of the world. This lack of understanding that it's the child's fault for not trying harder must stop. Instead we must come together as a village and surround our precious resources with pride, respect, support in their hopes and dreams, pushing them to succeed with love and belief in that child's abilities and heart.
Q. Do anyone really care?
A. ?
Is there such a thing as a certain set of morals, standards of living, and values for Gay Men of Color/SGL and a different one for heterosexuals?
FOR EXAMPLE: I THINK WHAT'S DONE IN MY HOUSE SHOULD STAY IN MY HOUSE.
I THINK THAT ONE SHOULD HAVE SELF CONTROL NO MATTER HOW GOOD SOMEONE MAY LOOK AT THE TIME IF YOU WITH SOMEONE DON'T TIP.
I THINK WHEN YOU ARE WITH ANOTHER GUY YOU BOTH SHOULD CHANGE INTO MORE MATURE INDIVIDUALS. FIND MORE MATURE THINGS TO DO INSTEAD OF HITTING THE CLUBS EVERY FRIDAY, SATURDAY AND SUNDAY NIGHT. THAT'S NOT A LIFESTYLE FOR COUPLES.
PERHAPS IS STEMS FROM YOUR HOME LIFE AS A CHILD, IF NO MORALS WERE TAUGHT TO YOU THEN YOU CAN'T PRETEND TO HAVE ANY. CLASS IS A THING THAT IS NURTURED AND NOT BOUGHT.
I'VE MET A LOT OF GUY GUYS WHO THINK SPEAKING PERFECT ENGLISH AND THINKING THEY'RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE IS THE RIGHT WAY BUT WHEN YOU SEE HOW THEY REALLY LIVE IT'S A SHAME.
SOME GAY GUYS THINK DRIVING A BENZ AND READING EVERYONE IS THEIR STANDARD BUT IT ONLY MAKES FOLKS GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO SEE THEM FALL.
STANDARDS FOR ME IS TO BE WITH A PERSON WHOM I HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH, TO KEEP A CLEAN HOME AND BODY AND MIND. NOT BEING A TRAMP JUST TO SAY EVERYONE ELSE IS. I FEEL THAT HAVING A RELATIONSHIP (COMMITTED ) IS JUST THAT WITH OUT BEING MARRIED.
MORALS IS NOT TO GO TO BED WITH SOMEONE I KNOW IS WITH SOMEONE, NOR GO TO BED WITH MY LOVERS FRIENDS. MORALS AND STANDARDS TO ME IS NOT TO PROSTITUTE MYSELF WITH SEXUAL PLEASURES FOR MONETARY GAINS.
BUT THEN AGAIN THIS IS ALL THE THINGS THAT STR8 GUYS SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT DO. IT SEEM LIKE SOME GAY GUYS DON'T HAVE A CLUE TO WHAT IT REALLY IS TO BE GAY.
SOME GAY GUYS THINK BEING A CLOWN IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, FASHION, BEING SEEN AND HEARD ALL THE TIME.
GAY TO ME IS LETTING WHO I'M WITH KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM. GAY TO ME IS CUTTING THE YARD WHEN THE GRASS GETS TOO HIGH, GAY TO ME IS GETTING RESPECT NOT BECAUSE I'M GAY BUT BECAUSE I GIVE YOU THE UP MOST AND WILL GET THE SAME IN RETURN.
GAY TO ME IS HOLD A DOWN MY CAREER AND KNOWING WHO AND WHAT I AM.
GAY TO ME IS JUST I FUCK ASSES AND NOT VAGINA'S AND STILL CHANGE THE RADIATOR ON MY CAR IF I NEED TO.
GAY TO ME IS BEING ABLE TO GET ALONE WITH PEOPLE WHO HATES GAYS BECAUSE OF THE LIFESTYLE SO MANY GAY GUYS SEEM TO WELCOME.
NOW I'M NOT SPEAKING FOR ANYONE BUT MYSELF AND WHAT I FEEL HAS GONE WRONG WITH THE GAY COMMUNITY. IT'S TOO MANY BROTHAZ GET INTO THE GAY LIFE NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE BORN THAT WAY BUT BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY CAN GET FROM MEN.
I WILL BE THE FIRST TO SAY I DON'T THINK I WAS BORN THIS WAY BUT SINCE I WAS MOLESTED IT'S EASIER TO STAY WITH GUYS THEN TO FAKE AND LIE AND ACT LIKE I WOULDN'T TEAR SOME NIGGAH'Z ASS UP THE FIRST CHANCE I GET. BUT WITH ALL THAT SAID, I STILL THINK I CARE MORE FOR NIGGAH''Z THAN THOSE WHO CLAIM THEY WERE BORN THIS WAY.
I'M NOT A WOMAN AND THE NIGGAH WHO I'M WITH IS NOT A WOMAN AND I ACCEPT AND UNDERSTAND THAT FACT.
THERE ARE INTELLIGENT LESS GHETTO AND EASTY GAY GUYS JUST LIKE THERE ARE INTELLIGENT AND LESS GHETTO AND EASTY STR8 GUYS.
THE GAY COMMUNITY IS REALLY ODD, MOST OF THEM WELCOME THINGS THAT HAS NOTHING GOOD FOR THEM.
1. THEY PUT THUG'S ON PEDESTALS. FOR ME THIS TYPE OF PERSON CAN ONLY HELP ME LOOSE WHAT I'VE ACHIEVED.
2. ROLE PLAYING: FOR ME THIS IS HORRIBLE, BUT I LIVE ALONE AND IF I DID LIVE WITH SOMEONE, I CAN HIRE A HOUSEKEEPER. I DON'T NEED SOMEONE PLAYING HOUSE WIFE IN 2007 WHEN THE COST OF LIVING IS SO HIGH.
3. BLACKMAIL AND JEALOUSY. THOSE ARE THINGS THAT LOW LIFE STR8 PEOPLE DO, WHY TRY TO HOLD SOMETHING OVER YOUR BROTHAZ HEAD AND YOU DO THE SAME DAMN THING.
4. OUTING: I STILL CAN'T SEE THE NEED TO OUT SOMEONE, RICH OR POOR. WHY MESS UP SOMEONES LIFE JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE NEED TO SAY THEY NEED TO BE HONEST. I'VE HAD GIRLFRIENDS AND THEY NEVER ASKED ME IF I WAS GAY, SO WAS I BEING DISHONEST? NO I WASN'T, AND I NEVER SAT UP AND TALKED ABOUT OTHER GUYS TO THEM LIKE I WAS THE LAST STR8 MAN.
I WAS SEXUAL WITH THEM AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERED TO THEM. ( I WAS NEVER OUTED BECAUSE I PICKED MY FRIENDS AND DIDN'T RUN WITH THE LOUD CROWD).
- t anderson"
Written by: Kalani Oke
Here are a few suggestions in preparing for Mr. Right-for-You.
Start working on Ourselves; Spiritually, mentally and physically. Do it because we want to improve ourselves and not for the purpose of finding a mate. If we succeed in making ourselves happy the mate we seek will naturally be attracted to us. Stop doing what we think will attract a man or make them happy. How in the world can we make someone else happy if we are not happy with our situation in life? (If we hate the club scene, don't go. Do things that you love to do. Join a book club, go bike riding or roller-skating, take a trip, go to a ball game, etc... We may be surprised at the large number of men we may meet, including the "Superstars".) Bring to full manifestation the aspects we would want in a mate into our own life; sit back and enjoy the ride.
Stop rushing into momentary lapses of physical satisfaction. "Everything that looks good ain't good for ya". We need to stop having sex with someone we meet in the first night or even within the first week. Take the time to find out about the person character and mindset. A lot of time we will see that they are not worthy of our love or attention. We may find out that the person's ego is so ugly it destroys the total package. Because of the plethora of men in some of the larger cities, "everyone wants to taste all the flavors leaving behind the good stuff they got at home." My grandmother says, "People always think the grass is greener on the other side, they go there only to find astro-turf. Then they want to come back to a lawn they never kept up in the first place."
Open up our mind to new experiences. We are more prone to go to a club than to go to a workshop on safer sex or relationship building. Stop limiting ourselves to sexuality whether hetero, homo, trans, or bi. We don't have to stop doing everything we did before we accepted our sexuality. Yes, we have changed in some ways but that does not mean we have to expel everything non-heterosexual or non-homosexual. We can still go to the clubs, the games, the plays with homosexual characters, or the rap concerts.
We must not live our lives through our sexuality. We should let our sexuality be a part of our life and ourselves. There is more to life than a fine body, big dick or tight behind. As soon as we think we are the best there is always something better to take our place. Stop limiting ourselves to the white race. There are a lot of brothers that limit themselves to the Eurocentric "gay" scene. How many times have white men gone to "black" clubs or "black" events with their "black' friends. The odds are rarely if not at all. But brothers will flock to these white scenes like pigs in slop. Is our own self-hatred that deeply embedded in us? We don't support Nubian business not to mention Nubian "In the Life" businesses. Nubian males can go other places beside the white events and white clubs. There is more than enough information on the Internet and more than enough people to tell us about it in the chat rooms. Network with one another and make it happen. The time for idle chatter has ended. Get out of the clicks and into the trenches. Remove the negative thought pattern from our mentality. "I'm tired of..., I don't feel like, I can't etc..." are all phrases that need to be erased from our minds and our way of thinking. These can be changed to more positive phases such as: "I can, I shall, and I will".
We must communicate with whomever we are considering as a partner. If we get upset about something, we must talk about it with our partner; Not argue and fight, but serious talk. If our partner is the type of person that we cannot talk with about issues in our relationship, then it is time for us to reevaluate the relationship and consider terminating it. Our well being must come first in order to have a healthy and prosperous relationship. We must be honest. If we are unhappy in our relationship, we cannot lie about it to our mates. He will see our dissatisfaction in our actions, trust will falter and we will feel that our mates are not considering or don't care about our feelings. This is when the eyes will start to wonder looking for everything he lost when he first met us. Remember we are all perfectly made for we are the way God meant for us to be. The only faults or imperfection we have are the one we see in others that are reflections of stuff we need to deal with in ourselves. One man's fault is another man's turn on.
Remember, what we used to catch him we must use to keep him. We have to slow down. We don't give our all and all in the beginning. We should let the man work for our admiration, love and respect. He must be willing to give and receive. A relationship is a two way street not a one way highway. Once we have him, we should not stop what we were doing in the beginning because we feel that the relationship has stabilized and we are comfortable. We must pay attention to our needs and the needs of our partner. If I had a fit body when I met, keep a fit body. If I was intellectually stimulating, stay up on the latest topics. I must handle my business. I must keep dating my man even when I am with my man. Just because we are together doesn't mean we have to stop going out on dates and enjoying each other. So many relationships end because one partner is no longer "fun". Memories make our lives and our relationships that much richer. Make plenty of them with trips, events, special occasions etc… They will help with your growth for a lifetime.
We must RESPECT one another's personal space, feeling and person. When the disrespect sets in, it's time to pack the bags and move on. Our individual well being is the most important aspect to a healthy and strong relationship. We cannot give love if we are always in a state of fear. (Ex: depression, anxiety, jealousy, anger, substance abuse, etc...) We must allow our mate to have their personal time alone and with their friends. When our mates go away they come back with a wealth of conversation through the growth they experience in their other relationships. If we are always together it limits the conversation but when our partners are allowed to freely express themselves they come back with so much more to share with you freely from their own life and experiences. It helps to build trust and sustain a lasting relationship.
We must let go of the past hurt, pain and self-destructive behaviors. We get so comfortable in known pain that we fear unknown pleasure. We walk around telling everyone our sob story till nobody wants to deal with us. Yes, it happened. Yes, our hearts were broken but we cannot allow a past experience to put F.E.A.R. (False Experiences Appearing Real) to dictate the rest of our love lives. By judging men based on what happened in the past, gives power to the person we perceived to have hurt us and thereby they still control our lives even though they are not in it. First we must look at our behavior; Am I attracting a different man to play the same role? Am I repeating a behavior to coax a man to participate in a category because I have decided, "all men are this way"? Second we must look to see what we are doing to continue the "drama" Am I still going to the same hangout where I met this "type" of brother? Am I judging this brother based on what my "ex" did to me expecting and leading this brother to do just what I expect? Third we must take a look at what we want and are we ready for it; Am I ready for love? Am I healing my heart? What is it I seek in myself that will be reflected by my mate? Past Transgression are the biggest blockers to experiencing true love. Don't let love pass you by because of an illusion of perceived hurt.