The Melting Pot

Question for Antonio: When I look back at all the times that I have tried to get a non-sexual gathering with brothers nobody wants to show up. It seems to me that fellas really don't want to even try to be friendly toward each other. I have tried throwing several events together, spending my money and time on entertainment and food and still I get no shows. What’s wrong with us that we can't enjoy each other's company without sex being involved? William Larmar

Antonio's Response: If I had a nickel for every time I was asked that, then I would have a bank account bigger than Oprah's. Brothas have a fear of intimacy that most of the time, results in us wanting to just "hit it and quit it." Now I am not saying that there isn’t quality, self-assured brothas out there, but finding them is like finding needles in a haystack. About 75 percent of the brothas I know can recount to you many instances where they have met someone they really vibe with, someone who they think has been sent just for them. They go out on a date, have a great time, or so they think; conversation lags, there is virtually no eye contact. It becomes apparent that this guy really only wants to know what your dick or your ass feels like. After the date is over, and you wind up at yours or his place, he's all over you like a bad rash.

As gay men of color, we already have two obvious strikes against us. Because we so badly want to fit into mainstream society, we tend to play down the deeper aspects of a relationship with a man. It's bad enough that we have sex with one another; heaven forbid that we also have an emotional connection too. The heterosexual majority would really freak out over that.

I do believe though that we are making strides. With various outreach and social groups popping up all the time, and greater visibility of intelligent, articulate gay men (and women) of color, we will get to the point where we will feel more comfortable in our own skins, and began to erase this form of "self-hate." Admittedly, things are not perfect, but we have come a long way in the last 10 years. I, personally, have every confidence that this upward trend will continue.

Out,

Antonio.